i love both you and the german language way too much
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Mittwoch, Januar 19, 2005
it's snowing outside right now and it's the prettiest, sparkliest, fluffiest snow that's ever snowed. at least where and when i've been around and aware. i had to shovel and when i was done i frolicked in it briefly and it's awesome snow. not good playing-in snow because it doesn't stick together...no good for snowball fights. more peaceful then, oh my peaceful sparkly snow. and it made me all sparkly too when i first came in. the flakes are so flat and clear, but still visibly in six-pointed snowflake shapes. i keep wanting to compare it to fake movie snow, because it's so perfect. but it's way perfecter than fake snow, and actually falling from the sky and edible and covering things.
had breakfast with heather today, which was very good, as i haven't seen her in way too long (like months), and i mentioned that i didn't think i wanted to go to school somewhere it never snows. she cited that as a reason for liking her californian city of choice, where she'd have permanently warm weather within an easyish drive of mountains with snow. I don't think i'd count tht though...i don't like snow-using sports that much, and i wouldn't really see the point in driving just to see some snow. the point is having it in the air, falling all over my own places, changing them and decorating them. *sigh* *happiness*
7:30 PM
Sonntag, Januar 16, 2005
such applications as are going to be off are off, and i have no idea what to do with myself and my anxiety. i expect this will be a good feeling soon enough; right now it hasn't much sunk in.
india is coming so freaking soon. man that's soon. lots to do, but i'm excited.
i hugged brian today.
oh also i should probably record that i had the MOST stressful and frightening oversleeping experience of my life, which is probably why i didn't apply to haverford and skidmore...i was right about to not take the AATG but then decided i could just let the apps suffer a little bit and skip german school after the test. standardized testing IS kind of (kind of...i say this laughingly but not exactly in jest) my thing, after all, and i wanted to take it. got dominated, but no worries.
even with the stress, i'm not sorry i went out friday night. seeing people on fridays is essentially my life. and it's a good life. i guess other things are my life, too, but fridays are important.
oh and we got this new yarn at work--cotton/acrylic blend, really soft, brightbright colors, and it's just a plain unfuzzy unweird yarn with a gauge of 3 sts/in and it makes my life. MENSCH does it ever make my life.
several other things are good, and a few are less so. i haven't talked to some people in way to long.
ich liebe euch.
1:24 AM
Freitag, Januar 14, 2005
been feeling bad a lot recently...getting in one of those moods where everything anyone says or does sends me spiraling out into inecurity...this of course makes me less fun to be around/talk to, which, when i notice it, makes me feel even worse about myself. silly teenager. tricks are for...breakfast. i dunno. i'm planning to get reed and macalester out for pretty-much sure, and give up on skidmore. though maybe i should do haverford and macalester, as i think i'd be more likely to actually want to GO to haverford than be so far away.
seriously i've been thinking about going away and it just doesn't seem like a good idea. even forgetting all the friends stuff (which is a helluva lot to forget), i can't handle the idea of being away from mommy for that long. wah. i don't want to grow up. not that going to college is a particularly adult thing to do...just not being at home is, kind of, i guess. stop talking maggie you're not making sense. okay. goodnight, love. goodnight.
4:56 AM
Mittwoch, Januar 12, 2005
had my good old cheerios'n'sugar bowl of self-hatred this morning
go ahead, be revolted
cuz it's disgusting
i eat sugar
with a spoon
because i can't handle stress
and for other reasons i don't understand
imagine the fat piling onto my body
on my neck and my face and my tummy and my legs and my arms
disgusting, isn't it?
i do that all the time
especially when people who are fine or people who are thin complain about their out-of-control eating or their flab
and i'm sorry if there's anyone for whom i'm that person. bitch me out and i'll stop it.
...now wasn't it more fun to have a friend who didn't eat?
or who you thought didn't. because i did.
it was about 700 times more fun for me, anyway.
and infertility schminfertility, not getting your period kicks ass.
this has been me being ridiculous and angsty and convinced that everything sucks for me way worse than for everyone else. don't worry; i know i'm full of shit. and i'm sorry to have suggested whoever may be foolish enough to be reading this to that. but i'm mildly pissed at you for exisiting right now, beccause i'm trying to convince myself to do the most hateful of my apps and it's pronouncedly unfun.
1:02 AM
Montag, Januar 10, 2005
just listened to end of the tour all the way through (got john henry for christmas and it came up on me ipod when i wasn't expecting it). apparently i still can't do that.
wasn't even sure exactly what i was crying about...i was just sad/pained...that it's old and its totally over now...
2:03 AM
Mittwoch, Januar 05, 2005
i was going to go to bed now, but instead i think i will dance around for a while like the crazy dancing fool that i am. i wore my 'easy living' underwear from old navy today, and i think it was a major contributor to the chillness of the day. i'm going to be able to see some people in the city thursday to see the merchant of venice, and that makes me very very very happy. seeing several of those people will be very good for me. speaking of people it would be good to see, i miss everyone. if this going-to-visit-merry deal doesn't work out, i will cry so hard. and i haven't talked to priya in forever (and she didn't COME when she said she WOULD! the ho.). or tricia. oh and when al said goodnight to me tonight she said 'love u' or some similar spelling thereof, and it made me very happy, because in our group of homepeople we tend to be less liberal with declarations of affection than are we in my group of spreadout people, so the rarer random ones are particularly nice. not that i don't love constant overflowing gushing verbal love, as well. cuz i do.
oh and i don't want to go to college. nopenope. not going. and neither are any of the people i'm going to kidnap and hold hostage in erin's hot tub.
actually that would be kinda too pruny and dehydrationy. the plan's still under revision.
1:18 AM
Samstag, Januar 01, 2005
oh, and about this time a year ago i was meeting some people who have since made my life a much more marvelous place than it would be without them, and was struggling (my last big struggle) with school, right about to get (or just having gotten) started on trying to get out. something less good was also happening, but i've decided to revise my personal history slightly to make those less-good things less (or maybe almost not at all) troubling. have already announced the correction to few of the several people whom i will need to tell in order to make it stick/feel official. worry not, i'm not losing touch with reality...just choosing emotional truth over chronological truth a little bit. und ich liebe euch.
6:43 PM
updatin' time--
christmas was wonderful. got a bonus, which i was totally not expecting and about half of which i spent on underwear (also spent some aunt margaret or mary jane money, depending on how you look at it), from cynthia. have finally seen garden state, napolean, and eternal sunshine, all of which i enjoyed. had a good marking of the new year, and actually made resolutions because christina made me...they were: 1 put energy into relationships that make me HAPPY instead of causing myself unnecessary trouble over the kind that don't (this will probably translate to my making a point not to pursue any kind of romantic relationships for a while,as i had earlier told tricia i was planning to do) 2 get a handle on my procrastination (i can try, at least!) and 3 be nicer to my body...i previously had 'stop losing stuff' here, but that's just unrealistic. apparently dad gave us new year's 'bonuses' again this year, which is still weird but VERY nice, since, despite my slight post-holiday splurging (which is over! ...unless i decide i can't write mary jane and john a thank you note that says i bought underwear, in which case i'll have to get myself SOMETHING else), i really would like to have money to use for the fulfillment of my (probably very silly i know) dreams of an exciting spring. damn i need to figure out what's going on next semester, especially in terms of skating. it's been good having the brothers here...patrick's gone back up to mass for the week, but bono's still around. had several interesting conversations with them, some of which have kinda freaked me out about the constant and speedy approach of the future, some of which made me think about (altering) some of my attitudes, and others of which were just very silly. still knitting/assembling/buying hannukah/christmas/new years(/birthday in allison's case...hmmm) presents for people. oh! and i got all my applications to the january 1 schools in, except for northwestern, a school to which, if i'm honest, i kinda always knew i wasn't actually going to apply...also got christina's letter done and out on time, though that wasn't in doubt the way my OWN work was. the procrastinator's life is the life for me, yo ho. now just 4 more to do for jan 15, and they're all obnoxious as hell. haverford wants the honor code essay, reed wants all kinds of crap, macalester wants an explanation of my lack of diploma and probably something else, and skidmore doesn't actually require anything, but if i want their math/science scholarship (and i think it'd be pretty much the main motivation for me to go there, unless the pryster goes, which she SHOULD. case is in ohio, is it not? ohio=icky, ny state=good. for all she complains about being a northeastern girl out of her element, she's mightily eager to stay in the midwest, i think! *accusing glare at priya*), i have to write an essay about my interest in mathematics, what experiences have influenced and sparked that interest, what i've done to develop my talents, yadda yadda yadda. mommy made me apply for this pitney bowes scholarship that was due today as well, so, as i was in the post office yesterday, sixish minutes before it closed for the holiday, breaking out my (recently unexercised (wait how the monkey's that spelled, my eyes won't let it look right no matter what i type)) ridiculous bullshitting skills, i had to come up with a first, second, and third choice among the colleges i've applied to (not sure why they made me do that), and i wrote brown, carleton, and swarthmore, in that order...think that just came out of my ass, though. my oh my i wish college-app silliness didn't dominate so much of my thinking, but it does, so it forced itself into expression here. i have a highly unusual desire to clean my room now, so i think i'm going to get started before this magical moment passes. it's been really really really really good to have a vacation. like very good. sorry, future-maggie-who-wonders-what-she-wrote-here-once, that there are no paragraphs
6:10 PM
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